I heard this song for the first time the other day and I can’t get it out of my head. Each lyric brings back so many memories and it greatly reflects the way I’ve been feeling for a while now. Even though I’m not twenty eight, it’s not too far off. All the hope for the adventure and an exciting life outside of this small town is long gone and I don’t know what’s left. My 9-5 desk job? The emptiness of my house that I’m forced to come back to every evening? Not a single living, breathing thing inside of these four walls. I guess you can count myself, but no roommate, no dog, not even a plant. Sometimes I have trouble counting myself because while I might be breathing, I’m not living. At least, it doesn’t feel like it. I wouldn’t even know what that looks like anymore.

“Sometimes I think about the good old days
I don’t know where they went
‘Cause these days when I look in the mirror
Don’t really know who I am
Thought maybe I would have a family or a house by now
Twenty eight, I never thought I’d be the one who let me down”

I miss the good old days. For me, they were in my early twenties. I had a great job, an amazing group of friends, and a wonderful community that I loved. It was the first time that I actually felt comfortable in this one horse town that I hated growing up in. It was filled with endless summer nights and playing guitar by the campfire. Spontaneous trips out of state and actually feeling genuinely happy for the first time in my life. But they say all good things must come to an end. I wish it was one of those instances where time passes by and slowly everyone moves on to another chapter in their lives. I guess you can say that happened, but to everyone all at once. Those good days flipped upside down in a blink of an eye. An event that dropped like an atomic bomb and blew up everything in its path. All of those good moments were just gone and there’s no going back. The memories of those good old days are tainted by the terrible events that took place. So now, that time is just a distant memory of a time in my life that has long since passed.

A house and a family were future wants. I love the idea of the nomadic lifestyle and traveling full time. Not being tied down to one place and going wherever the wind calls. Maybe a house would be much later in life once I was done with traveling and want to settle down, but a family is different. No kids, but to have someone. A relationship, the one, my person. The person who is there through all of the good, the bad, and the ugly. Someone to share in the wonderful moments and to help get through the dark times. Someone to do life with and actually live. Someone to share the most intimate feeling everyone wants: to love and be loved. I thought I would have that by now, but I guess at twenty eight, it’s just not in the cards.

“I miss the hope that I used to have
And if I could I would give anything to get it back
I fell so far and I don’t know how
But I think I miss it, God I miss it, oh I miss it, really miss it now”

I had so much hope for a life outside of this small town. Once I turned eighteen, the first thing I did was move. I moved quite a few times since then, but somehow I always find myself back here for one reason or another. The kind of town where everyone knows everyone and the gossip train moves throughout the community like a virus. As much as I hate it here, the rent is cheap. The never ending cycle of paying bills and stashing an extra money away for unexpected expenses. Life should be more than working for forty-five years and then waiting until you retire to start living. They say insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a different result. Maybe that’s the cycle I’m on, doing the same mundane thing I do everyday and expecting to wake up one morning and live.

“And everything has changed
Yet everyday’s the same
And I’m wondering how I got here
Another breakdown, just another year
And if I knew back then what I do now
Maybe it would all be different
But I’m thinking that I miss it
Yeah I miss it”

Everything has changed, but everyday is the same. Thinking about the good old days and where I’m at now, it’s crazy how things change. Another breakdown happens and another year passes by. Maybe that’s why I find myself here at twenty eight. So what now? I don’t really know. I don’t know how to move passed everything that’s happened in the past decade. What do you do when your past is holding you back from your future? I’m trying to figure it out, but I’m afraid I will be stuck here forever at twenty eight.