This weekend is the first time in a long while that life has slowed down for a few days. My body gets to relax, but my brain feels just as chaotic as usual. I thought having a few days off from work and time to get away from everyone would help, but the silence just makes everything in my head louder. Maybe writing will help.

I had two great years of friendships and experiences. This time was the beginning of a mental crisis I’m still trying to figure a way out of, but during those two years, the good outweighed the bad. I don’t want to go back to the past and I’m glad I’m out of that period of my life, but sometimes I just miss the goodness. I miss the friends I had, working at the coffee shop on the weekends, and having a community. It wasn’t perfect, but it was real. The realist thing I’ve ever experienced. The closest to being genuinely happy for the first time. That was, before everything went to hell. All those memories are tainted with tragedy and ugliness. There’s never just happy moments and good times. I don’t do well with change at all and since then, everything feels like it’s constantly changing.

Loudest thing in my head right now is loneliness. While having alone time is important, loneliness is scary. It’s that feeling in your chest that physically hurts and even though you’re corporeal, you feel hollow. It’s a feeling that I’m very much familiar with, but it doesn’t get any easier.

On vacation, it was my parents, cousins, aunt and uncle, and my best friend. My one cousin is around my age and we were the last of the older cousins to start dating. Our other cousins were already married with children (we have a big family). On vacation, I learned that my cousin has been dating someone for the past six months. I remember the family all just awkwardly looking at me and wondering when I was going to date. I swear it felt like I had the word desperate written on my forehead. He and I were the last ones of the older cousins to settle down. During all of our family gatherings, it was always me and my cousin. The other family were with their spouses and children, and it was just us. We would play chess endlessly because we didn’t have to watch kids in the pool or worry about the children getting something to eat. It was just us. I guess now, it’s just me.

I want my brain to stop spinning. Everything is racing around at lightning speed, yet not moving at all. I’m going around in circles trying to understand everything. Just when I thought I had one of my thoughts untangled, three more pop out of nowhere talking to me, confusing me even more. I know I have to swim through this tsunami, but I’m drowning.