After years of wondering what was wrong with me, someone finally told me. Borderline Personality Disorder. Doctors and therapists mentioned it over the years, but it was only just recently that a mental health professional actually diagnosed it. She told me the symptoms and I had almost all of them. I thought I would find some comfort in finally knowing what was wrong with my brain, but I don’t think that’s the case. It’s been years of people telling me that it’s only depression and anxiety so why couldn’t I get out of my funk? Everyone experiences depression and anxiety sometime in their life and they’re able to cope (not saying everyone, but majority of the world’s population). I felt like a big baby for being weak and not being able to handle it sometimes. Going through med changes every 6 months to find something that worked, all I wanted was for someone to tell me it’s not just in my head and that there was an actual issue going on. Finally, someone was able to give me an answer.

I thought when I found the answer, I would be magically cured. Okay, it’s BPD so now what? But my therapist said it isn’t just an easy solution. It has to be more than an hour long therapy session once every six weeks and more than finding subpar medication. It would be weekly therapy sessions, a detailed treatment plan, an IOP (intensive out patient) program, and group therapy. IOP was recommended years ago and I never did it. Maybe if I did, things would be different. Regardless, I’m not ready to deal with all of this. I want to push everything so far away that I could just ignore it for the rest of my life. I don’t want to go to therapy more than once a month, I don’t want to talk about anything, hell I don’t even want to be on medication anymore. But I know that if I stop all that, everything would get much much worse. It already has over the past year and a half which is why I’m in the predicament I’m in. My therapist said there’s no quick fix, there’s no cure for BPD, but there is treatment.

The idea of actually going through all that therapy makes my head hurt. Like I said, I don’t want to talk about anything anymore. Sometimes it doesn’t feel like it does any good, or at least I haven’t seen any outstanding benefits yet. I know I will in the future. I do feel good in knowing that I can actually focus my desire for being mentally healthy in specific direction and not just in something general like anxiety and depression. All my scary and paranoid thoughts are real and not just a figment of my imagination as most people claimed in the past. They aren’t in my head. They don’t know.

I know I’ll have to deal with everything at some point. Yes, it will be hard and I don’t think I’m ready for it, but I do know it will be better in the end. Just have to make it through.

There’s no shame in wanting to get help. There’s nothing wrong with investing in yourself and giving yourself the better future that you deserve. It is hard and it is scary to intentionally put yourself in a vulnerable position to face your demons, but you deserve to be happy, healthy, and mentally well. You are stronger than you know and you can face whatever you’re going through. I’m in your corner cheering you on. Be brave and work towards the version of you that you want to be. You will get there. Just keep going. We are all in this together, my friend.