I have a friend who’s really confident and experienced when it comes to dating. I know she has her struggles, but there’s a part of me that envies her. She knows how to get the attention of men, and I cannot. I can try all I want, but it’s just not working. Anyway, we were talking about relationships today and it got me thinking about my dating history, or lack there of. But, there is one guy that I keep coming back to.

It’s been a year and a half since I met him and it sucks to say that I still miss him. He had a wonderful smile and a beautiful personality to match. I remember thinking that I was so lucky to have met this man. He was caring, considerate, and he actually took the time to listen to me. No one had ever done that before. I was so used to getting written off for my views and opinions, that it was surprising to have someone who genuinely wanted to know me. He was cute too, very cute. He had so much experience with other women in his past and I felt intimated. How could I, an unexperienced 20-something who could count all of her dates on one hand, be the one he wanted to talk to? I didn’t understand and if I’m honest, I still don’t. Part of me indulged the fairytale-esc view on the situation. It made me feel special, even if it was only for a moment.

I don’t know what I miss the most about him. Our time together was so short that if I had to share my favorite, I could choose any number of small moments we shared. I remember our first FaceTime, we video chatted for about 2 hours and it was nice getting to hear his story. He listened to mine and actually had questions. It was weird, if I’m honest. I remember thinking, why is this guys still talking to me? It was the longest FaceTime date that I had ever been on. A few days later, I went over to his house to hang out. We sat in his bedroom and watched a Harry Potter movie. I was so nervous. I wanted it to go perfect because if this was truly the only moment I’d ever have with a guy, I wanted to make it last. I sat on his bed and he put his arm around me as we watched the movie. I kept my eyes locked on the tv because I felt his eyes on me and I was too nervous to look at him. Finally, I did look at him and he leaned in and kissed me. It was perfect. I consider myself very lucky to have a perfect first kiss like that. I would do anything to stay in that moment forever. We talked some more and for the first time, I wasn’t overly nervous or anxious like I had been on my previous dates with other guys. There was something about his presence that made it so comfortable. It was a peace that I never experienced with another person.

The next time we saw each other, we went on a date to a local restaurant. It was like a sports bar and we both had really good wings. He paid since it was technically our first date out. Afterwards, he needed to go to the drugstore to get a card for a wedding he was going to. We walked down the road and went into the drugstore. He held my hand and even though it was only for a brief second, it felt nice (which was weird because I normally don’t enjoy handholding with anyone). We shopped around and looking at all the other customers there, it just felt like I was a part of a couple. You know, when you go out shopping and you see two people together who are obviously dating. That’s how I felt with him. Even though we weren’t official, I felt like I was a part of a couple. It was nice feeling like I had a boyfriend, even if it was only just for a moment.

We went back to his house and watched another movie. I remember laying in bed with him and resting my head on his chest. I could hear his heartbeat. I knew it wasn’t going to last, but I was going to enjoy it anyway. I wasn’t going to get caught in my head about physical affection. I closed my eyes and kept breathing. For the first time, I felt at peace with another person. I felt safe.

I knew it was too good to be true though. That was the last time we saw each other in person. I wanted to be official, but he kept avoiding the subject. He kept dragging me along for a while until I finally wanted a straight up answer. He told me that I was the first person he’s met that showed no red flags. I did everything right and there wasn’t a single thing he didn’t like about me. But….. I wasn’t going to have sex within the first two weeks of us meeting. That was the dealbreaker for him.

I should’ve known it was going to end up like that. I mean, I guess I did know it, but there was a little bit of me that hoped he was different. I hoped that he wasn’t someone that wasn’t going to stop talking to me just because of sex. I guess it hurt a bit more since he gave me a chance. He got to know me, learned what I liked, what I didn’t like, and the values I hold. And yet, he still chose sex over me. It wasn’t like I wouldn’t have gotten to that point, I would have. But it wasn’t fast enough for him.

Even though it’s been a long time since that happened, I still miss him. He was the only one that I ever felt comfortable with, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes it feels like I’ll never find someone like that again. I still find myself thinking about him and that’s been happening a lot lately. Part of me wants to erase him from my memory, but the other part of me wants to hold on tight. What if that was the closest I’ll ever get to a relationship? I guess that’s a question I don’t want to know the answer to.