I have the song “I’m a Mess” by Avril Lavigne stuck in my head. I know that the meaning behind the song doesn’t exactly suit my situation, but it was the only phrase that immediately came to mind a few days ago. During this past week, I was at work and a guy gave me his phone number. I could tell that he was interested and he was pretty cute. Just as quick as all that happened, my excuses and insecurities fired away in my head. I know I eventually want a relationship, however, I’m bad at dating. I’m more of a friend-person. There’s (typically) no physical stuff happening with friends. I know sometimes that’s not the case, but just in general. I can be a really great friend to someone, but I’m not the best when it comes to dating and relationships. Romantic relationships want intimacy, both physically and emotionally. I’m terrible at both.

I’d like to assume one day I will get there, but as of right now, I can’t see the light at the end of the relationship tunnel. I think it all comes down to feeling comfortable around someone and it takes a lot for that to happen. I do have people in my life right now that I feel absolutely comfortable with and I treasure them with all my heart. I’d love to have that with a romantic partner, but it seems like any potential people aren’t willing to just wait for me. I mean, I guess you shouldn’t wait around for someone if they aren’t what you’re looking for so I guess I can’t blame my past romantic interests for doing what they felt was right back then. As for me, I don’t like jumping headfirst into being anything more than friends until I know them and they know me. Doesn’t everyone need time to get to know someone before they can be vulnerable with them? I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. Maybe it’s being old fashioned or a prude. Regardless, I’ve been called both.

Everyone has a past, everyone is messy in their own way. Relationships aren’t easy and they shouldn’t be. Easy is mundane. Easy is complacency. Relationships take a lot of work and sacrifice to grow, but rumor has it, that feeling of being complete head over heels in love with someone is worth all of it. Loving someone in spite of their faults and getting to wake up every morning knowing that the person beside you loves you with all of their heart. I hear it’s something really, really special. Nothing else truly comes close to that feeling.

I’m willing to put the work into a relationship and want to know what it’s like to be completely in love with someone, but my brain gets in the way. It tells me that I’m too messy, too crazy, and everyone leaves eventually. I have a hard time believing in romantic relationships since all of them ended before they could even begin. If I’m not meant for a relationship and will only ever be a friend to other people in this lifetime, then I’m okay with that. So be it. I know I’m a mess and life is messy. If I am the supporting side character in all of the stories, then at least I can say that I play my role in life to the best of my ability. If other people are well, then I am content.