I met one of my good friends back in March of last year. We met on a dating app and while we did hit it off, we didn’t officially date. It was purely my decision and he wasn’t a fan of just staying friends. He thinks that I chose not to date him just because I didn’t want to, but it was much more complicated than that. Every time I try to elaborate on why I didn’t want to date, it doesn’t seem to matter. All he sees is reality of staying friends. It was my choice, but it wasn’t an easy one.

Back in March of last year (2023), I was just getting out of a severe mental blur. It had started a few months prior, around November. My best friend moved out, a psychiatrist increased my dosage of Effexor (which wasn’t a good idea at all, but I was too mentally incompetent to realize and advocate for a different medication), and I was feeling the affects of losing almost all of my friends over the previous two years (that’s another story entirely). So November of 2022 was a very dark month and it continued to get worse through the end of February 2023. I was deteriorating and didn’t know how to help myself with what little energy I had at the time. All my dark and lonely thoughts came out in anger, drugs/alcohol, and hurting the people around me. I wish I could take back everything from those several months, but I can’t. Anyway, at the end of February, a doctor took me off of Effexor and put me on another medication. While I was grateful to be one something else, it was hell getting off of that one. Even with weening off Effexor, I felt horrible withdrawal symptoms. I was hot, cold, emotional, angry, and mentally loopy all at the same time. It made going to work everyday very interesting. One of my coworkers had noticed my emotional boomerangs that month and luckily, she understood and ended up checking up on me daily whenever I looked mentally out of it. By the end of March, I finally felt like I was getting back to normal. I wasn’t bouncing from one extreme to another and for the first time in a really really long time, I actually started feeling okay. I’ll never forget that moment because I was like getting a breath of fresh air after suffocating for several months. Looking back, I don’t know how I survived that time, but I’m just grateful it’s over.

During this time, I had met that friend and we had gone out. As we continued to grow closer, I got to meet his friends. They were absolutely wonderful and I enjoyed every moment I got to spend with them. We all had so much in common and I fit into their group effortlessly. This was going into April, May, and June. It was the first time since 2019 that I realized I had friends again. Genuine friends. With all the shit that happened with my old friends, it was a bit nerve-racking to let my guard down and enjoy spending time with my new group. They made me feel welcome and it was easy to be comfortable around them. I am still so thankful. Also coming out of a several month-long period of darkness, it was like seeing sunlight again.

I was still getting used to the idea of having friends again and I didn’t want to put my newfound group at risk. This meant not dating the guy that welcomed me into their club. In my head, if we dating and broke up, those friends would still be his friends and I would be ostracized. Even though the group was filled with wonderful people who wouldn’t intentionally ever be mean, but they were his friends first. Regardless what happens, great friends are loyal friends and I wasn’t going to risk my place amongst this new community.

He didn’t like that reason for not dating. He said that thinking about what would happen if we broke up isn’t a good reason for not trying in the first place. All he could think of was being a couple. He didn’t (and still doesn’t) know what it’s like to lose many of your good friends at the same time and finally find something wonderful again YEARS LATER. He doesn’t know how good that feels and why I would never do anything to jeopardize a great thing like a solid friend group.

In combination with my mental health starting to improve and having friends again, there was one more factor that contributed to not dating him. The biggest reason for not wanting to have a relationship was at this time, I made my ace discovery. I was still figuring out who I was and becoming more comfortable with the idea of not doing physical stuff for the sole purpose of pleasing others. I didn’t want to kiss him or hold his hand. I will tolerate his hugs because I know he enjoys them and it’s literally the least I could do. Normally, I don’t dislike hugs, but I don’t really like hugging him because I don’t trust him in that way. Trusting someone makes physical affection easier, but he’s not someone I trust in that way so any physical connection is hard. His main love language is physical touch and he does not understand how someone could not enjoy it. He doesn’t get it at all and I feel crazy every time I try to explain it and he doesn’t seem to understand. It’s frustrating because he can’t possibly see an alternate reality of someone not liking hugs or to kiss. My issue isn’t with physical affection. My issue is physical affection with him. I don’t trust him in that way so it makes it harder.

I trust him as a friend, but no more than that. A few months after we met, he put the trust I had for him at risk and he has done that repeatedly over the past year. He knows I don’t like to cuddle or make out with him, but yet he tries every single chance he gets to make a move. Especially when I’m drunk. The next morning, he’ll say, “well you seemed to be enjoying it when we made out. Soooo……?” He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t respect my decisions to not enjoy certain things. He knows I wouldn’t do anything sober, so why does he try when I’m drunk? It pisses the hell out of me, but also I know I’m more subjective when I’m drunk. When I drink, I’m aware enough that I don’t intentionally make the first move, but I’m numb enough to not try to actively stop him. The next morning, I feel like shit because I didn’t stop him. But also, he doesn’t respect me enough not to try anything. It pisses me off and that’s why I could never trust him as more than a friend. Ever.

I know what you must be thinking, why am I still friends with someone that makes a move only when I’m drinking? I know that is dangerously close to the line of consent, but I’m ashamed because I don’t actively say no or push him away. I’m just there. He is a good person and I don’t want to think of him like that. Besides, he’s a friend and I know he would always be down to hang out if I called him up. Another big contributing factor to our friendship is that it could be midnight and he would be down to watch a movie if I asked. It very much helps to know that if I needed someone, he would come over (even though he doesn’t really know about my mental issues and I’d like to keep it that way). Living alone can be scary and it’s nice knowing I have someone who would just chill and watch a movie.

In writing this, I realized that I’m a lot more angry towards the stuff I just wrote about. I’m angry that he doesn’t see my point of view in not wanting to date. I’m angry that he doesn’t understand that I don’t like hugs or physical touch with him. I’m angry that he thinks it’s okay to make a move when I’m drinking. And, I’m angry at myself that I still sometimes drink around him. I know I shouldn’t, but at the same time I shouldn’t have to worry about drinking around someone I consider a friend. It’s stupid and I hate it. All of this makes me not want to be friends with him, but also I still want someone to be there if I find my mental health is a complete wreck one night. Again he doesn’t know my issues and I’d like to keep it that way. I’m just pissed off and I don’t know what to do about it.

I’m sorry for the rant. Maybe getting all of my thoughts and frustrations out on paper would help. I’m not going to bother reading through this one and editing it. This blog is angry and I don’t have the energy to go through and critique my anger.