I have a love/hate relationship with therapy. Mostly, because all of the therapists that I’ve actually connected with have left. I don’t do well when people leave. Why open up to someone when they’re just going to leave? I know that’s fear of abandonment talking, but it feels like a valid point in my head. Therapists, friends, it doesn’t matter. It feels like everyone I open up to ends up leaving for one reason or another.

I remember seeing my first (consistent) therapist. It was only for about a year and a half, but during that time I was actually feeling alright because of it. It took a while to actually see some progress, but I remember actually feeling excited for therapy every week. I’d be sitting in a critical literature class and I would get a random thought or feeling that I would want to talk about in my next session. I was less scared of my brain because I knew I could process things in a safe setting instead of having all my suppressed emotions come out in unhealthy ways. It wasn’t perfect and I was far from cured. I slipped up many many many times, but I was never judged for it. I think one of the things that helped the most was that she never asked me to stop my unhealthy coping skills. Our deal was that she wasn’t going to take away the things I did to feel okay, but I had to be honest when I slipped up. She made me aware that she wasn’t afraid of sending me to the ER if she felt I needed it, but she never told me to stop or threatened to take away the things I did. She gave me the opportunity to stop on my own terms and learn better ways to cope. Was I successful? Some days yes, most days no. But, it was better than my previous 20+ years of failing everyday. Our last appointment is still crystal clear in my mind like it happened yesterday. I remember desperately needing that session and feeling very excited to go. I had a lot that I needed to talk about. Immediately, I started telling her how my best friend at the time decided out of the blue that she didn’t want to be my friend anymore and also how in a whole separate situation, I was ostracized by many of my other friends that I had known for years. All my friends that I was close to left coincidentally at the same time. Once I was done with my rant, she didn’t give any advice on what to do. Instead, she told me that she was going to have to drop me as a client because I worked in the pediatric OT/PT clinic that just so happened to be in the same building as her office. We never saw each other and I barely said anything to her if we did accidentally run into one another. But, I guess that was enough cause to end our therapist/client relationship. Abandonment has uncanny timing sometimes. Despite her leaving and my bitter understanding of the situation, it was nice to feel alright even though it was only for a little bit. I miss feeling okay.

It took me three years to try therapy again. It took a few sessions with my next therapist to feel comfortable. I didn’t share about most of the things I was able to talk about with my previous counselor. She was definitely more . . . I’m not sure what the right word is, but just different. I had to put forth a considerable amount of effort to assure her that she didn’t need to report or send me to the psych ward for the things I opened up about and that was effort I didn’t have. My first therapist recommended IOP towards the end of our time together and it only took two sessions for this therapist to say the same. I’ve done a strategic job of avoiding an Intensive Outpatient Program at all costs and I wasn’t going to start now. This therapist wasn’t totally on board with my decision to decline her recommendation of IOP and to see her twice a week instead of once a month. Therapy is expensive. Regardless, she still took on my case and was willing to work within the boundaries of my financially expensive copay situation. I didn’t see her for too many more sessions when she told me that she was leaving that practice. She said I could go with her to wherever she went, but 1) she hadn’t yet made a decision on which practice she was going to, 2) she needed an answer from me if I was going to keep seeing her, but I hadn’t been able to find out the insurance situation since she wasn’t able to tell me a practice yet, and 3) she left. Like I said, I don’t do well when people leave. I know her decision had nothing to do with me and I could go with her if I wanted to, but there were too many unknowns. My biggest fear was that it was only a matter of time before she went somewhere where I couldn’t go. My fear of abandonment feels far greater than my need to get better. Defense mechanism? Probably. I suppose that’s something I need to work on in therapy.

So I’m writing this tonight because I sent an appointment request to a new practice. It’s been 7 months since my last therapy session and I’m absolutely terrified of starting again. New person to get to know, having to share things I don’t want to think about, not knowing what to expect. It feels overwhelming. It makes me not want to go back. What if this person leaves too? What if I have to find someone else? What if the practice doesn’t even have any openings and I have to find somewhere else? I’m running out of options that work with my schedule. Despite all my fear and anxiety, bottom line is: I can’t get better on my own. And, I need to get better. I miss feeling okay.