I know it shouldn’t affect me, but I think it did more than I would like to admit. It has me questioning if I’m competent enough for my job. Am I in the right field? Do I belong here? Am I too weak to do my job adequately? I would like to think not, but I also believe that my coworkers have seen worse, or at least similar medical emergencies, and it didn’t affect their work. They are strong.

He was pale, blue lips, wide-eyed and concerningly alert. Within seconds his whole body was shaking and his face turned completely purple. He couldn’t breathe. His was in distress and suffocating to death. The nurse, s.c., and director all acted calm and urgently. They knew the seriousness of the situation and acted fast. He was saved that day, but I’m worried there won’t be a next time. If that happens again, he will die. He has a DNR in place now and my anxiety tells me it’s only a matter of time. Will he have to suffer? Is it going to happen again where he can’t breathe? Just laying there helplessly without being able to get air. What could be minutes, would feel like hours. Will it be a seizure that takes him? Will he pass away peacefully whenever that day comes? What will happen? Or rather, when will it happen?

He’s returning on Tuesday and I don’t know what’s going to happen. All I know is that I don’t want anything to happen to him and my anxiety is that something will soon. I really hope I’m wrong.