I’m not a hopeless romantic, but rather a romantic hopeless. I like the idea of love and companionship, but pretty cynical in actuality. I’ve been reading a lot of poetry by Celia Martinez (highly recommend her poetry book Diary of a Romantica) and I love her work. She is a hopeless romantic, but also understands her place as a wallflower in this world. I’d consider myself a wallflower too. I enjoy being on the sidelines and watching others interact. It’s intriguing to be able to see love. You can see it in the way someone looks at their person. A stolen glance. A spark when their hands touch. The quickening of a heartbeat, but also the overwhelming sense of peace. I wonder what it’s like.

I feel like I would be good at a relationship. I’d like to think I treat others well. I do what I can for strangers and try to provide for acquaintences. If my job was loving on my person and giving them everything they need, I would be employee of the month for the entire year. But I don’t know how to be in a relationship. What is it like to have someone? To come home to your person and vent about the workday. Not knowing what to have for dinner and then deciding on takeout instead and spending the evening watching one of those stupid guilty pleasure reality shows. Being perfectly comfortable in silence, but also enjoying someone’s company. Not feeling forced to fill up the empty space with pointless conversation. Looking at someone and genuinely knowing how much they care without having to say a word. Admiring every single thing about them. Just being present. The comfort of general existence and not feeling the burden of mundane life. Hearing their heartbeat and being happy that you’re alive too so you can love them every single moment for the rest of time itself. What is it like to have someone?

I don’t believe that I’ll find the one, but hope that one day I will. I guess everyone hates love before they’re actually in it. I’m not a hopeless romantic, but I’m a romantic hopeless.